I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick
Where you will sit and contemplate your day

Mm. I got nothing.
Going to see a movie tonight. My friend sent out an evite and we all bought our tickets online as soon as they went on sale. Dire, dire nerds we are. It will be fun, even if the movie isn't great. Then we might go see Jackdaw after. I love me some kilts.

I could make you happy, you know, if you weren't already.

Last night, I worked out and then headed over to the parkside to see my friends do a show. Charmed my pants off, they did. Then I had to hightail it back to the theater for my show, which actually fun despite the pain in the ass rehearsals tend to be. Then what? home. A guiness extra stout. Bedtime. Not enough sleep.

I'm pretty greasy right now. I am aware that I've completely overeaten today. I know I feel better in general if I eat healthy and don't eat between meals, but some other more dominant part of my brain takes over sometimes. I just sit there eating greasy chicken fingers going, "Someone please take this away from me. I don't want this."

People keep getting on me about breaking the lease and moving. I don't know how to explain it. It's like I've tripped over a table and broken my leg, and I'm lying on the floor in agony and everyone is talking to me about how I really need to fix the table right now. It's not an elegant analogy, I know. It would make more sense if the table grabbed me while I was walking by, broke my leg and threw me out a window, then broke itself.

Ok. I'll try to think of some good things in the world.

1. This brown shirt, while oversized and unironed, is so soft and comfortable that it feels like a pajama top. Also, I can finger soothe on it.
2. People I like, I think, like each other. I mean two specific people, with a very specific definition of "like".
3. It's almost four o'clock.
4. My friends.
5. Guiness Extra Stout.
6. My pre-purchased ticket to Hitchiker's Guide.
7. This shaggy haircut, while semi-outdated, makes it easier for me to go to work without showering. I say it's a good thing, ymmv.
8. After the train leaves Queensboro Plaza towards Ditmars, it rounds a bend and if you look out the window across from you, you can see the end of the train.
9. No rehearsals on saturday. The whole day is mine.
10. I've been looking at the number ten sitting by itself for ten minutes. Nine is a nice, even number.

You might want to avoid this page for a while, unless crushing depression is your "kink".

The district sleeps alone tonight
after the bars turn out their lights
And send the autos swerving into the loneliest evening
And I am finally seeing
Why I was the one worth leaving.

I read my horoscope out of habit, but I don't believe in it. Except when it is eerily accurate.

You may adopt a cool and apparently unapproachable exterior in order not to allow someone you deeply care for to see how you really feel. The aspect at play today will indicate that although they may not have intended to hurt you, you will have no intention of showing them how much they actually have affected you. However, this is not really a very constructive approach; being honest is much better.

Yeah, well, whatever.

This has become "one of those blogs". I hate myself.

I've lived in New York for one year today.

My day yesterday was bad, then good, then very good. I worked out (5 times in seven days! That's like a lot!) Had dinner and went to channel 102 with some people. I'm an ass for never making the effort to go to that show before. It was really good. During one show I found myself clutching my hands together and bouncing. That's weird, right? Nothing's that funny, is it? I had to leave early because we had a show at the pit, which ended up being very, very fun. I was really happy with it, surprisingly.

I keep trying to pm my friend the bagpiper through friendster and it's not working today. More like Jerkster(tm)! My moblog isn't working for me either, which I think means they're starting to put more restrictions on my internet usage. Sniff.

I have tickets to the next nerd opus on friday at the Zigfeld. Yes.

My heart is one big, itchy, sore scab. Anybody want it? I feel so bad for the next guy I date. For serious.

Hairstylists of the world,

You're been trying to make me look like Joan Jett for years. Congratulations, you've succeeded.

Hate,
sad and shaggy in the financial district

It's not terrible, but it's not *me* either. It seems even darker, and the layers bring out my natural wavyness, so in substance I look more like my mom, which is a higher compliment than I usually pay myself. The style of course, is all "put another dime in the jukebox, baby." Sigh. It'll grow.

But not for Meme

That's the best I could come up with after dedicating three seconds to it.

Ok. I guess I write a moment of stupidty, and then I pass it on to three other bloggers. Sweet.

About three years ago, I went to my now ex-boyfriend's family reunion. It was at some kind of pavilion in the middle of the woods, and there was a little bit of a hall, where people who shot deer with arrows liked to convene. I'm sure there's a name for such a thing. It was creepy. Anyway, there was alot of food there, and if you know me (and if you're reading this, you know me.) I like picnic food, and I eat when I'm nervous. I ate kind of a lot, and I drank way too much coffee.
So, after dinner some of us sat at one of the picnic tables under the pavilion and his grandmother taught us how to play poker. we were playing for tootsie rolls. At one point I started doing that coughing thing we all do when we're choking on nothing at all. Fine. It happens. Instead of stepping away politely to address the issue, I turned it into this physical bit about how I'm coughing and showing my cards to everybody. It was pretty hilarious. And then I projectile vomited. It was just a little bit and I turned my head in time and all, but man. It was a surprise.

I learned:
1. Everything doesn't need to be a bit.
2. Eat less.

I pass this on to:
sarah, tavie, and anita!

Oh, and read jess's. I heart jessica.
:)

Here Comes the Sun

I spent Friday night crying. Tracey called me from happy hour to say hi, heard it in my voice and came over and we sat under my covers in the dark until I could stop. I've never done that before. I've never been that girl, but I'm starting to think it's ok to be that girl once in a while. I needed it. I feel ten pounds lighter.

Then, of course, I spent all of Saturday laughing. I had two nice, hilarious rehearsals with my dear friends, and dinner with Michele and Jeff. We saw Elephant Larry (I got the best picture on my moblog. I cought the screen when it said "fuckin'"! right on!) Then the Project, which I so dearly recommend. Then a bunch of us went out to Walters, and I stayed out until 4. A friend of mine was hugging me goodbye and he kind of kissed my neck, which I had completely forgotten or maybe just realized was my favorite thing. I mean, his face was just there and it was more of a drunken "mwah", and it was mostly beard, and seriously, there's nothing happening there, but whatever, it had nothing to do with him. I just became obsessed with it. Am I thinking about this so much that I need to put it on a public website? I don't know, but I'll come back at some point and it will make sense. Sorry.

Appropos of nothing, someone else named sarah nowak registered my domain name, and a little piece of my identity died.
Also, I'll talk about the new haircut after I've gotten some perspective.

There are two copies of the Star Wars Trilogy on dvd in this apartment, but I'm still going to curl up under my blanket and watch it on fox, with the commercials and weird cuts. Because I'm crazy. Empire opening scroll. Gotta go.

It's a good life.

i've been memed! I have to share a moment of stupidity. Wow. I don't know if I have one of those.

Fuck. This doesn't go away, does it?

My hair is in a messy bun, still wet from my shower.
I was an hour late to work.
I am going to a movie at 11:30 tonight.
I made a hair appointment for 9:30 tomorrow morning, after which I have to go straight to a rehearsal, then to another rehearsal, then to see two shows at different theaters.

I need to manage my time better.

One of These Things First

I'm kind of sad and bored today. My heart is kind of achey. You don't want to hear about that, do you? Or maybe you do? Maybe you're a fan of ennui? I'm not one to judge.

Hey, let's do something together.

I guess Ronnie Milsap played at my cousin's wedding last weekend. How weirdly, adorably weird and adorable. I guess the dixie chicks were invited, but no one was allowed to talk about it, or something. Yeah, tell my mom that. Crazy. I wish I could have gone.

I was listening to "kathy's song" by simon and garfunkel, because I'm on a strummy love song kick, and the lyrics sound really familiar, but the song itself does not. Is that crazy? Did somebody remake it, or am I a casualty of too many coffee house open mikes?

Oh well. They're sappy and cute. It works for me. It "gets me off". You know, emotionally.


My mind's distracted and diffused
My thoughts are many miles away
They lie with you when you're alseep
And kiss you when you start your day

I nerded out a little on the irc today. Thank god someone posted after me. I would have died* if I had killed the thread pouring my heart out about my love for Yoda. I'm incredibly fragile about everything I say on there. I need constant reassurance. This is true in my daily life as well.

*you know, emotionally.

Stinkbutt horoscope says: my heart is in my mouth.

Gross.

I'm bringing a girlfriend of mine to my sister's wedding. I figure, I'm already the black sheep for living with a guy before I was married to him, and then not marrying him, why not lead the catholic center of the western hemisphere to believe I am the homogay? It'll be fun! All that conversation!

Who wants to rub my shoulders? Ow.

Yesterday I finally worked out at the gym, instead of just going in and showering before a show. It was great. I need new sneaks, though.

I'm so bored here I've started writing on the company dime. Sweetstyle.

We almost talked him into calling it "Improvisers to Spread Joy"

yay.

That's a really nice article. Michele wowwed the fuck out of everybody there. Ma lil sundrop.

Oh, and I got "queasy" on scrabble blast.

more random than usual

1. I went to spoiler film fest last night, and I can't be sure but i think my fly was open for at least part of the night. The guy's film that we went to see was good. They were all pretty funny. I was unusually mopey.


2. The best news I have right now is that I got "petition" on scrabble blast.

3. blah blah blah.

4. revisionslut!

I am happy to be home. I am sad to be home. I want to go home. I don't want to go home.

I'm putting most of my memories from this weekend on the chix blog.

Michele and I had a lot of "are we frauds?"-related conversations. You do get that sense, when you're being treated a certain way and you are a champion at being insecure, that someone is going to tap you on the shoulder and tell you quietly that you do not belong here. Considering the reaction from the audience and that they want us back next year, I don't think we need to worry too much. Plus, the school had the money to spend on us. For real, people.

I'm going to a funny film festival tonight. I am really excited about it and I'm wearing an ugly shirt.

Ok, so, I bought the Garden State soundtrack. Hold on! Let me explain. I wanted the Colin Hay song, which you can't buy as a single on itunes. So I looked at the track listing and I thought "Well, I like those shins songs, that's my favorite Nick Drake song, and do I see simon and garfunkel? ten bucks? Sold!"
I already have Oh, Inverted World, several nick drake albums, the simon and garfunkel best of, and I don't really like that Colin Hay song as much as I thought I would. NOW you may mock me solidly, armed with all of the facts.

In other music news, why did it take me a year to get in to The Postal Service? "Such Great Heights" heals and reignites my poorly stitched-together, scotch-taped-up heart.

I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
And true, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you home

I have a smile headache

I can't go through every highlight of the weekend until I've had a few more hours sleep, but "smile headache" sums it up.
We were treated like rock stars, we met a pack of adorable college students, made friends with people, got email addresses, saw some amazing shows, and peformed the best show we've ever done.

It was a lot like camp: snacks, activities, Leigh made crafts and I came home with a sweatshirt. I didn't have anybody to call at the end of the day like the other girls did. Kind of sad, I guess. Of course, that's all I think about. That and crush from last June that has eclipsed most of my secondary and alot of my primary, rather important, thought processes.
I had a weird, funny, flirtish conversation with an almost unreal golden southern boy last night. I wasn't into it, I was just amazed that he was talking to me and engaged in conversaton with him for purely scientific purposes. We were in this really crowded bar and I walked by carrying three drinks, and he dropped his head on my shoulder and rubbed his face all over my back. I couldn't tell if he was mocking me out or not, so I kind of laughed it off, but I was ready to get nasty if necessary. But then he came over and talked to me, and I gave him all kinds of chances to get out of it, and he didn't take them. Maybe he's so used to girls who look like they might melt in the rain that I was a refreshing oddity. He knew I was sitting at Lewis Black's table, and I offered to introduce him and everything, because I figured that was what he was looking for anyway, but he passed. Odd. Who knows? The point is: I like attention. And science!

tell me to get off the computer and finish packing.

Or at least put some socks on.

Dear website,

Hi. I guess I didn't count on having a ton of time between getting up, showering, packing and leaving. I will say, a mild hangover is an effective alarm clock.

Last night I hung out with some people I don't normally hang out with, and it was very fun. I love when that happens. I'm still as quiet in a large group as I was at fourteen. I felt surprisingly good last night. The Glands "I can see my house from here" made me dance the four blocks home from the train. It was disturbing(ly liberating).

I like you like you,
sarah

I'm going to a show tonight, so I probably won't be posting until Sunday.
Check the snowblog for fun and adventure.

I think I might love you.

I'm thirsty.

If there are a thousand hits on your webpage today, i apologize. I am so bored. Seriously. I'm becoming compulsive and repetitive. I can't get out of here fast enough. Meh.
Lunchtime, then: more complaining.

I had to look up how to spell "odyssey"

I was thinking on my way home yesterday and I realized I didn't finish a lot of the reading I had to do in high school because I was working most nights. I didn't even think about it then, but I remember trying to get my boss to let me read the Odyssey on a slow day in the produce section. That got me thinking about the cycle of poverty, but then I realized even if I had gone somewhere better than the same shitty college as my high school boyfriend, I still would have wanted to be an actor, so maybe it didn't make that much of a difference. Then Bright Eyes came on my iPod and I got distracted. Then I think I may have fallen asleep.

(Even though I am glib about my upbringing, I am grateful for everything in my life, including my bizarre childhood.)

take a lap

I just need to shake off that last post a little.

I have a half an hour before I can do first call for options exercises, and I am bored out of my mind.

I went to a network showcase last night to support some friends of mine. They were good. I got to see another group I had never seen before, and I'm afraid to say, they're edging toward being my new favorite. Their sketches were all tight and crazy, no extraneous dialogue. Well acted, fer pete's sake. Loved it. I need to see more sketch in general.
I had to skip out on the last group to go to chix rehearsal, which was awesome and fun. We changed our form, and it was great. By Friday night we will be reaching new heights of adorability.

If you hear about such goings-on, stinkbutt, do what you can to nip them in the bud before they get out of hand.

It takes nothing to make me laugh.

FYI

To all the people I don't see often enough or those who read this that I don't know: Todd and I have broken up. We split a while ago. Yes, it is very hard. I just had to say that. Breaking it to people individually is becoming emotionally taxing, and I feel horrible, not just because I feel completely worthless, and i'm single and lonely for the first time in almost ten years, but because I feel like a failure to my friends for some insane reason.
I guess this shouldn't be all that publicly-discussable, but not talking about it has become kind of impossible, and not talking about it makes it easier to deny. I didn't want people to be confused when I started making long, detailed blog posts about how undateable I am.
Also, when I told my mom she said, "What happened, did he want you to lose weight?" Shit like that's just too fucking beautiful not to share.
That's all I'll say about it. Now I can go back to being the hyperactive, lovesick 14 year-old you've come to love.

And I can honestly say, there was never a time when it didn't seem crazy that I was actually dating a guy whose name was "Todd".

I computered it.

I like exploding dog. I never noticed how many bloody knives he works into his drawings. Eep. But also: aw.


sometimes i like to eat soap for dinner

"Money's not an issue with me, I don't have any!"

Call the quote!

I got a $20 tip this morning.

Q: Wait, do secretaries get tipped?
A: Only at Christmas.

I tried to give it back 4 times, but he insisted, so, now I can afford tonight's rehearsal. This christmas I got a lot of fifty dollar bills from our clients, which was cool and weird but I guess also normal. I also got a lot of red wine, which I'm allergic to, and a box of gorgeous truffles, all of which my roommate ate, my suspicion is in one sitting.
I didn't get paid last week because I got my timesheet in late, so I will have a substantial check this week, and I will also get reimbursed for my plane ticket to NC. Poverty ebbs and flows.

I was really looking forward to the coffee liquor-filled ones.

I'm a little cat with no lap to sleep in.

just the smell of the summer can make me fall in love

It's nice out. I'm not the kind of person who goes, "Oh man! It's so nice out! I can't wait to get outside!" Because I was always an indoor kid. I'm glad I got out for a while today. I did a little shoot for the royal we, which will be up on a website soon or maybe never, depending on how funny I was.

I just took some biscuits out of the oven, because nothing says summer like hot biscuits. They are delicious.

I'll have you know, when I came home I danced in my bedroom to "Shameless" about six times.

I see how close I can get to it, without giving in and then I get to rub up against it til I break the skin

Greatest lyrics in the history of written language.

I know I wont be leaving here with you

I can sleep any time of the day or night, except for night.

I agreed to do this thing tomorrow, and I really really want to bail. I have to quit something. I have to quit something. You don't want to listen to me complain anymore, do you? Give me advice, tell me what to do. Talk me through it. You know better than I do. Let me quit something.

I won't. I know myself.

Am I the only one who's not yet sick of Franz Ferdinand's Take me out? There are parts of that song, you know the parts, where I hold my breath, it's so good.

"She beaned him!! She beaned him!!!!!!"

la-la love you

My broken ipod was replaced. I have to get used to this new one, but it's ok. I love him already.

busy susan

When we were kids we had to call our "lazy susan" a "busy susan", because Susan is my mom's name and she took offense to the "lazy" part. (She's actually Susie to the world, Sissy to me and 'Queenie', to her weirdo girlfriends.) Anyway, now we're adults and we can call it whatever the hell we want!

I did a little show last night. I was awkward at best. It's so much more fun to watch anyway. That's why I love going up first. I think: "Let's get it out of the way so I can watch the show." That is maybe kind of a bad attitude. There were some brilliant people up last night, I'm really glad I got to see them. At least our set had medieval themes, which made me smile. And of course, on the way home I got on the F train going the wrong way, because I'm me.

Tonight I have rehearsal and tomorrow I have rehearsal and Sunday I have rehearsal and Monday I have rehearsal. Then I take a couple days for laundry. Then I go North Carolina. I'm worried about the show; I think we need more time rehearsing. (That sounds insane paired with the sentence at the beginning of the paragraph, but I'm actually rehearsing for three shows in there.) I'm excited about the rest of it, though. It's going to be a mini-vacation with my girlfriends, which will be as high-pitched-screamy and margarita-filled as it sounds.

This has been bugging me. These are very similar, right?

The Glands, The Glands

Beulah, Yoko


I just found out they're on the same label. I only care because I've had "swim" stuck in my head for three days. That is a great fucking song. On second thought, I don't actually care that much.

I accidentally dialed 911 just now.
I just saw a picture of myself from last night. I am a wretched human being. Happy Friday!

post removed. happy?

Now pardon me, while I walk into oncoming traffic.

Welcome to MSN Astrology, stinkbutt! Want to know what your future holds in love, work, and more? Click a link below to view your personalized horoscopes.

haaa.
bored.

More like "Mi-great"!

It's 2pm, and my migraine from 7am is just starting to become a "migr-ain't". haha. I got up, showered, did the "this isn't that bad, i don't need to throw up" thing. Laid down. Got up. Puked. Slept for three hours. I had some upsetting dreams. I dreamt I had a device that was a board which had all of these straps and bunched up bungee cords, and if you flicked them, they played the Seinfeld theme song. Except, in my mind the Seinfeld theme song was actually the theme song from Night Court.

My ipod is still broken. It's going to be a chafe to take it in to be serviced.

I saw some shows last night. The funniest people were the ladies. Just sayin. There are people in this world, still, who think women can't be funny. That's insane.

You're such a prettyprettypretty little girl
let's blow this uglyuglyugly little world!
GO!

I'm in an exclamation pointy mood!

Do you like it?!

Do you like me?
Check one!

YES!
No.

13 hours

Nice. 7:30am came too soon.
So, I slept. I really don't have anything else to say.

(Oh, I looked it up, "Family Values" is the Sin City book I have. It must not have been the best of the sin city books, because it was the cheapest (also why I bought it.) I probably won't get to see the movie before it's on dvd. Eh. It's fine.)

These titles should relate to the content, eh?

Eh.
My flight was delayed 2 hours last night due to the weather. Since I didn't want to take a cab (didn't even really think of it, really probably should have though.), it took about two and a half hours to get home. The good thing was, there was another girl on the platform waiting for the A train, so we buddied up for the ride. I really would have freaked out if I was alone waiting for the train at 2 in the morning. I didn't get her name, which didn't seem weird at the the time, but she's from buffalo and is in film production. We chatted halfway to manhattan before we both fell asleep. I got into bed at four. I would really like for the work part of today to be over. You KNOW what I'm planning on doing as soon as I get home tonight.


Saturday night I went to FF with Alex, Jess,Garvey, Garvey's miss lovely Lisa, Katie B, Annie C. and Dave. (I heard that link won't work. I refuse to believe.) Originally I just wrote "and friends", but I realized everybody likes to see their names in print. We had a really nice time.

Check out Chickenranchnyc.blogspot.com. yaysies.

Here are some choice quotes from the weekend:

Me: I'm nervous, we're performing at a place where the name ends in " . . Auditorium".
Alex: and not " . .Bar and Grill".

I watched my brother and my nephew play Devil May cry for a while on Sunday.
Quinn: Get Helf*, daddy! Get helf! You need helf. Aw, man? Why is he not getting helf?
Jay: Daddy's cocky, honey.

*health. he's six..

i remember pretending i wasn't looking

I spent the day with my mom and my sister. My family has all of our heart-to-hearts in the car. I think it's because that way we're not forced to look each other in the eye. With my mom, the worst tends to spill out on Delaware Ave, near Target. My sister usually drives me somewhere and then we sit in the driveway slowly pulling apart a piece at a time over the course of an hour with the engine running. My father has never had a real conversation with me outside of a moving vehicle.

Let's go to founding fathers and get historical.

(i'm at my parent's house. it's 2:30. sshhh. I should be sleeping. um, hi. my flight was horrible! shh! horrible. we did the shimmy shake up, down and side to side. we did a lot of devil's dropping, too, which is fun as long as you're not worried about dying, which I wasn't. adam and amy picked me up and we went to tops. i walked up and down huge empty aisles wiggling my hands out to the sides. "i'm not touching anything! there's nobody here but us and the people who work here!", and i bought french bread pizza {my fav!} and ithaca nut brown ale, which i like a lot. my parents have gotten a computer and digital cable since i was here for christmas. not having kids here has really improved their quality of life. well, they have kids here a lot, just not their kids. shows about cats are funny. i'm boring. it's ten to three now. it's taken me a long time to craft this pitiful essay. goodnight, princess.)

I'm posting again. I'm so bored.

I read everybody's blogs twice. I ate a fat free brownie. I put moisturizer on my legs. brushed my hair. Had some tea. I left Dave a message that I was coming home. I haven't called anyone else yet.

I haven't seen a movie in a long time. I think, is it possible the last movie I saw was The Life Aquatic? I want to see Sin City. I read one of the Sin Citys(ies?), it didn't do anything for me. It was good, but I didn't run out and get any more. I can't even remember the name of it. "Famiy Matters"? Is that one of them? Anyway. Wow. Look forward to more posts like this between now and five.

Hem.

I just ate some Halloween candy.

Did you mean to say "easter", Sarah?

No, i meant "halloween".

I'm nauseated.

Down with the sickness

I haven't been able to get under the covers before 1am in like, four days. And when I do, nothing happens. Pwah. Part of me actually believes getting a massage would make my life 100% better, like hitting a reset button on my body. I've only had one massage my whole life, and it was kind of a horrible experience, so I have no idea what I'm basing this theory on.

My bags are packed and under my desk. My flight arrives at midnight. I just made a sleepy moan.

I spent yesterday and the day before going through all of my posts for the past year. That was kind of fun. I'm not nearly as positive or cheery as I think I am. I really am a much more positive force in person, aren't I? Or not. Whatevs. This whole site is one big cry for help. Also, on June 13th of 2004 I just wrote "yay". I have no idea what or who that's a reference to, so I'm going to try to be less cryptic from now on, for my own sake.

I went to chocolate bar yesterday to get more stuff for the basket. I got four candy bars (carmel apple and salty pretzel) and a "chocolate girl" teeshirt. I'm really wishing I could keep everything I bought.

I still have that overall ick from my one group. We're not cohesive, everybody's mean and weird. They had rehearsal on Easter Sunday and apparently there was some fuck up with the time change, so everybody was yelling at each other in their passive aggressive/actual aggressive way. It's just not sitting well with me. The ick. I have to do my part to make it better, but I just don't wanna. It was cured last night by working with my sketch group. I heart them. My heart is light and the funny is funny.

This is a long post with nothing to read about.