hi. sorry. everything's ok, just a little sick and screwy and busy. I posted yesterday but it timed me out. Which is good, I guess, because I talked about crushes and blathered on about my stupid busy schedule which is so boring and not busy compared to what it could and should be, and yet i insist on crying about it. So, yes. I just typed "busty" instead of busy.
I am weak and wiped out. I need a day of rest. I'm moving in to the new apartment on sunday which is awesome. I'm nervous, but who wouldn't be, right?
What's cute about my second city reheasals is you can tell half the class is from the writing program because they all show up with journals or binders, and the rest of are from the improv program because we show up in loose pants with water bottles and never write anything down. I should get a notebook.

And. Well. someone close to me found someone close to him dead in his apartment. So it's pretty fucking sad and messed up. I won't go too deeply into it, but it's just so horribly unecessary and fucks up the people who love you so don't do it, ok? That's my terribly elegant way of saying keep on keepin' on.

This is alot better when I actually write someting here, isn't it?

Well, I don't have a whole lot to say. I do, but it's hard to explain. Todd and his sister might be holding off again, not moving down for another week. I understand and all, it's a family problem thing. It just feels like this is never going to happen. Plus, I woke up at 4am with this crushing feeling like the new apartment will get robbed. I had some disturbing dreams, which I blame on the illness, but you know how it gets first thing in the morning or late at night. I think that's when your psyche defenseless and all of your fears can just have fun kicking your ass.
I have a new crush and a warmed-over old crush and a horrible cold.
My show opens sunday. Who's up for it? Come on!

Looks just like the sun

I am doing some pretty crap work lately, and I've been doing a lot of it. For the next month I going to be dedicating three nights a week and all of Saturday to improv. That's crazy. Also, everything I did this week sucked. I hope it's just evidence of a growth period and not an accurate representation of my actual abilities.

"Um, hi, sarah? Hi, this is your insecurity. How is it going? Good. I own you. Kay. Bye."

Oddbody is opening soon, that's good. (tuesdays and saturdays) I'm still taking my pit class (thursdays), and now I've decided to take revue showcase at second city(wednesdays and saturdays*). I can't afford it and I don't have time for it, but i sure am taking it. I'm taking the shit out of it. I'm really glad I am too, the people in it are surprisingly good and it's eventually going to lead to sketch. Nice.
I'm super aware of my grammar lately. What's my deal?

I'm signing my lease after work. I hope it all works out. I keep feeling like something bad is going to happen. Hmm-dark, mysterious, broody. Whatevs.
I need sleep.

*yes, that's a double booking. I can't stop telling people my schedule.

Everything that keeps me together is falling apart, I've got
this thing that I consider my only art of fucking people over


Talk me into or out of this apartment:
I am a lil bit stressy. I found a place, it is gorgeous, awesome and huge (like me!) BUT (and this is a big but, like me! also!) to get to it, you kind of have to go into a back alley. Like, you can't see the door to the apartment from the street. I guess it just looks bad. It's gated, and you need a key for the gate. It's also a first floor. So i don't know what to do. I am living in pain and fear because Todd's sister is coming to live here, and I feel this total obligation to keep her safe at every moment. This was left up to me to chose and if I chose a place that gets burgled, or worse, I am taking full responsibility for her saftey and I am buggin out. Also, this is so much goddamn money, I can barely breathe. I can't eat, i'll tell you that much. Bah.


A lady here just came over and told me I looked stressed and not to worry. Nice. I forget how much I need that kind of thing.

Dave is starting up dhka.com again. I wrote something for it already, but I don't think he's "launching" until october 1st. So that's cool.

I am thisclose to getting fired.
Shit.

eating snowflakes with plastic forks

I need to clarify: I said in my last post that I missed my family, but I neglected to mention that I miss the fuck out of my friends, most of whom I'm going to see tonight. Awesome.
Also awesome: I went to spot (spot!!!!) and got a coffee and I am jacked up like a jesus freak. God I love coffee.

I'm in buffalo now. I went to Curtain Up last night. Curtain up is the night when all the theaters in Buffalo open their seasons. It's magical. They close down this little stretch of main street (where you can't drive anyway because of our sorry little tram of a subway) and everybody goes to opening night of whatever play and then they all go to this little area and drink and whatever in their tuxes and gowns 'n whatnot. It's actually quite fancy. I wore jeans. I landed at about ten and ended up there around eleven. the cutest part is, there was a guy on the street wearing a wig and strumming a toy plastic bass, and people were taking his picture. That is what passes for freaks in this town. He wasn't even batshit crazy, just an attention whore.

I spent 78 dollars at target, and I don't think I actually got anything. I finally found something at the bonton that I could spend my christmas gift certificate on that wasn't totally soccer mom. So that's coolio. did I mention the coffee? It's still making me happy as pie.

Oh, yeah and modest mouse concert was awesome. Just, the best. I can give full details later, but I can say right now: Issac Brock is the fucking best. During one song, and I can't remember which, he got this huge adreniline rush and began to scream the lyrics into his guitar strings. At that moment, his potent genius impregnated me. That's the risk you take when you stand that close to the stage.

Taking heartache with hard work
Goddamn I am such a jerk, I can't do anything

I love that song and I have issues.

What is it about my eyeballs that makes little black bugs so happy? My eyes are not made of candy, you know.
Also, I've been saying "totally", like, a thousand times a day. I'm from the eighties. I like it.

I looked at apartments last night. The guy was awesome an he is totally going to hook me up. I found a place I liked that was 100 more than I wanted to spend, and then he called me today and they raised it another 100. So, no then. Plus, one of the apartments (and I totally forgive this, but still) the landlord wasn't home, so as he's telling me about the neighborhood he whips out a credit card and breaks in.
"Yeah, I totally won't be taking this one now, but it's worth a gander."

Oh yeah and I'M GOING TO SEE MODEST MOUSE TONIGHT AT A SUPERSECRET CONCERT THEY'RE HAVING. I got onto a list. I kind of only half believe this is happening. I mostly believe this is some elaborate lie to make me insane, or to toughen me up for the real world. Like, i'm going to show up, and they're going to look me up and down and laugh at me for not being cool enough to come in. Aw. Sad sappy sucker.

So I am juggling things, as you can tell from the jaunty angles of this entry, I have a lot of shit going on. I just added myself to a class I can't afford at all. So that's cool. So that's two classes, a show, looking for an apartment, working full time. I get what they mean in commercials when they refer to "the speed of life." Before I moved here, I would think: "What speed?" and also: "What an empty cliche that is."

I'm going back to buffalo this weekend. I don't care if I never go home again. The place just bores and depresses me. I miss my family, but whatever.

Bad news comes don't you worry even when it lands
Good news will work its way to all them plans

That's a little more optimistic.

The thing I like best about Lil’ Kim is her delicate grasp of decorum and modesty.

Poplar Tree (the Uncertainty) -- looks very decorative, talented, not very self-confident, extremely courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, great artistic nature, good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership seriously.

Wow. Pretty on the money there, treestrology.

Mr. Belding . . . ?

I'm so excited, I'm so excited I'm so . . . .



SCARED!!!!!!!

Satan in a Jesus Suit

Saturday was a great day. Rehearsal, workout, food, comedy show (did), movie (watched). Perfect day. Got it right.

Sunday. Did nothing. Tried to see apartments. Couldn't get ahold of the supers. I felt a cold coming on, by which I mean I felt a slight tickle in my throat and double gravity in my limbs. I was supposed to go to a practice group in Williamburg but I just couldn't muster the energy. I ate really bad-for-me food and got sick instead. I'm not the kind of person to not do something when I click the "yes" on the evite. Maybe I am. I feel horrible about missing it.

I'm going to see an apartment tonight, but the realtor is taking me with another couple, which will be uncomfortable, right? Is that weird? I don't know. I will never find a place to live. This is frickin ridiculous.

If the world's at large why should I remain?

I've never had peanut chews before I moved to new york. They are the divine work of The Lord.
I finally have in my possesion a paycheck. It's been three weeks since I've gotten a real paycheck. It's a long-boring-story. I am also going to look at apartments in the neighborhood I am already in, which makes me happy, because I like it there.

I don't consider myself materialistic, but there are a few physical items that I covet. I want an iPod. I look at them riding the subway and cruising past my desk with a mix of lust and jealousy. I have a crush on iPods.

"What did you say, iPod? You think you're too good for me?? Quit ignoring me iPod! I'll kick your ass iPod, you stuck-up jerk! What can I do to make you love me!!?!?"

I don't want one of those free ones from that cagey-looking deal, I want one that I earn, so that when* I lose it it will break my heart. It is going to take me a long, long time to earn one.

I want a modest mouse tee shirt. More specifially, I want a large size bitter buffalo modest mouse tee shirt that is navy blue and has yellow writing and this thing which tells time. Not the navy medium, not the large yellow. I need what I want. I am an ample-chested woman and I look frightening in yellow. I might cave next week and buy the yellow anyway.



So yeah. It's good to know my equipment is working, but ow. Hurty.

*yes, when.

Let's do everything for the first time forever.

Maybe it's the coffee-flavored frozen yogurt talking, but I feel better today. I'm not crushingly, hopelessly depressed. I won't bore you with it, because it was incredibly boring, but it took two hours and four trains to get to my stupid, nothing job. Whatevah. Rain!

My hair is in pigtails. It looks cute. You like it.

Baby did a bad bad thing

I do and say all the stupid things there are to do and say. That is my job in this world. I'm sick to my stomach from it. I'm physically ill from sadness. Nothing is easy and nothing works out the way I need it to. I think I need a real therapist instead of this blog. I went to a psychic who told me I needed to get help for depression and I said, "Ok, I will" and she said, "No, you won't." She's right. Denial is cheaper.

I went to Connecticut with some friends Sunday and Monday and hung out at the beach. It was freezing on Sunday and cold but sunny yesterday. I lit up like a roman candle. I'm pink as hell. It was a really nice time, just sitting and talking and looking at rocks. I got some good pictures. I'm lucky in so many ways, I don't know where I get off complaining.

The Language of Hip

I'm reading nothing and I'm too depressed to take Wagon Christ's Musipal out of my cd player. I require sleep, human contact and a steak dinner. I am a whiner.

I volunteered to help at a theater tonight. I'm not sure why I offer myself for things. I mean, I do, but I'm always miserable about it. I need to be out of the house this evening, that is for certain. And I might meet some new people, which can sometimes be fun and rewarding. It'll be fine, I just like to complain.

I've been having dizzy spells. I think it has to do with staring at the computer all day. I think I have DIMS. And a touch o' the rheumatiz.

Fire's hot! How 'bout it!!!

This show I am in? It's going to be good. Like, if I were watching it, I'd be like, "I totally wish I could be in this show." But I am going to be in it. So it's like a wish come true. Totally.

I'm in a funk, which I'm sure will go away soon. I'm sure it has to do with my inactive (sitting in a chair looking at internet) daily life coupled with my complete lack of kind, positive interactions with other human beings. My skin is not thickening here in new york. I need to tough it out. I want a pat on the head and tell me I'm good. I want coffee. I'm getting me some coffee. Aw,yeah.

Things to look forward to:
My brother gave me a bunch of old-timey scary movies for research this weekend.
It's almost the weekend.
A guy on the irc is making me a mix cd.
Class tonight.
Cute boys are still cute.
Tracey is coming home on Sunday. I myth her.

Why do I set myself up to feel awful?

Kiss every comma in your chequelist.
commas in your chequelist
na na na

Why can't I get this song out of my head?

Let's dance!

1996, 1997, 1998, we're all waiting for the year 2000

I had so much fun last night. Another night of comedy that made me so happy I couldn't sleep. I'm such a dink. I'm like a puppy with the things I like. I really should learn to be more aloof. Also, coming out of the 28th st station I was stopped by a bunch of cops in riot gear. It was weird and scary. We weren't even protesting, but they wouldn't let us pass by. I got the shaky hands after that little incident.

I cleaned out my boss's closet yesterday. I found about 25 wrapped christmas presents and a case of wine. Want some binoculars?

I have that weird feeling you get when you realize you've forgotten something important or you've insulted somebody or just plain let everybody down. What is that specific feeling called? Crappy? I don't even know what I did, but I'm sure my actions will catch up to my emotions eventually.

By the way, I'm not remotely funny. And one of my glands is sore. The left one.