now my heart hurts. i was trying to be funny, but then he didn't think it was funny, so then he went offline. he says i'm too sensitive.

ow.
i need cinnamon.

so, what the hell am i wearing today? i have to go shopping, i look like shit. i'm wearing what is essentially an old man's plaid short sleeve shirt. last summer the office i i don't dress the way a woman should. i have to get my shit together, i'm late on three bills and i am late responding to a wedding invitation. bitch bitch bitch.
i find it mildly ironic that last night we watched unbreakable and the night before we watched the 400 blows.

you suck.

do you know how much you look like mom with that shaggyass hair?

hey adam, i bet you're reading this, eh?

i saw my first episodes of twitch city and smack the pony yesterday. i can feel myself entering a whole new era. i also watched made in canada, which is terribly funny, and black books, which made me thirsty for guiness.

I ::heart:: you for this. well, for everything, but double for this.

why is it that everytime i try to have a conversation lately we end up talking about salt maps? and why is it that everytime i go out i hate being out, i just want to go home and be in bed? and then the next day, i say to myself, "stay in tonight". but then stupid 3:30 pm rolls around and i think " boy i could go for a beer right about now!" and then i go calling people i've never hung out with in daylight and sit at a bar and fill myself with the caloric equivalent of a bucket of milkshake. i love my friends. but all we do when we're together is drink. i don't actually want to drink, but as soon as we are finished bitching about our jobs and how skanky the people are who are playing pool our mouths become useless. we have to fill them with cheap killians red and cigarette smoke until the bartenders favorite song comes on, then we bitch about how loud the music is and how old we've gotten.
either that, or someone starts to discuss how cool greek mythology is, or "ways of the samurai" and a nerd cloud forms over the table. people become free to say things like "final fantasy looks awesome!" "i just bought the sweetest controller!""october 16th baby! episode one on DVD!" "can i have my copy of Darby O'Gill and the Little People back? i need it."

the only reason i bitch about this is because i've never read "the Illyad". at least i don't remember reading it. and the closest i've ever gotten to the lord of the rings is the hobbit, which i'm not allowed to talk about because "the hobbit is a children's book, it's just so different". sometimes people are so much smarter than i am that i just want to punch them in the face. then i realize that that's how sullen bullies must feel. so i stay in at night and read a book or watch the Barbi twins E! true hollywood story again. or i just listen really closely to the conversation so that the next time they bring it up i can just recycle their own opinions and then they can clap me on the back all drunk like and say "we're two peas in a pod". i guess it's better than punching faces. i like listening to nerdy stuff and i can out nerd them in certain areas anyway, so it's not so bad. i just feel separate from the rest of them. i am the only one who didn't go to a private college on full scholarship, which makes me wonder why any of them hang out with me in the first place.

there are people in the world who get out of bed by 6 am no matter what they feel like. they make time to work out everyday. they get their haircut on a regular schedule, and read the classics for leisure. and save money. and pack their lunches. and don't smoke, even if they're out drinking. they fold their clothes. and participate in outdoor activities. these people are slowly, quietly and neatly taking over the country.

i am a dying breed.

say goodbye to all your spare time.
and don't let this freak you out.

it's cool.

(and don't leave out the "the", because without the "the" it's porn.)

i'm too sentimental. it's kind of pathetic. a few years ago i wnet to see The Chumps do their radio thing with my stupid improv group (the first one, the bad one.) and had that stupid yearning i get when i'm around something really good.
(you know, yearning? jeezus, i'm so queer.) so then i go through some stuff, take workshops up dere in the great city of canada, and suddenly Jerry is mentioning offhand that if we ever want to come up and do a lil improv er whatever, i think he was drunk at the time, we were welcome. so last night i'm on stage with the fucking chumps. i didn't shit the bed, but i didn't get in much either. i was intimidated. i hate that. they were so tight, too. i'm always bitching about how i want to work with good people, and then i don't even get in for a good moment or two. i had one decent scene. then i supported. i guess someone has to do that from time to time.

bah! i'm in the garage.

"Moving Jackass to later at night really is a brilliant idea until you realize there's no national bedtime for retards. Stupid people stay up late too. The real solution is one that Canada came up with years ago -- massive slaughter. You see, once Canada got socialized medicine, they had a tough decision to make. Did all regular citizens want to pitch in to repair idiots, or did they want to bulldoze them all into a pit of exploding acid? They actually decided the best idea was to move all the fire, scissors, and stairs out of their country. Now when children want to hurt themselves to impress their televisions, their only chance is to stand by an igloo until they're hit by lightning. And you can't sue weather, at least not until you move to America."-sean baby is my hero

don't worry, my mom still refers to me as " sarega marega-the sweetest flower of the baby world".
and ya know what? i *am* the sweetest flower of the baby world.
i will see this. it's my favorite kind of scary, and it stars warren cheswick.
i would like to have a warren cheswick experience.

no one's actually reading this shit, are they?

i realize i shouldn't mock the mentally ill. reading this stuff makes me feel a little off kilter myself.

put a hooker in the white house. why does ben affleck always have to go and stalk our future president and ruin it for the rest of us?

this guy . . whoooo doggie.

" . . .and that, kids, is how i met your father."

i'm going to have to start a newsgroup for "ed" or tom cavanagh because the people on the virtual stuck message board are boring as hell.
none of them are funny, and they only talk about the show.
and i love this argument, "if you don't like a post, you don't have to read it." well guess what? i don't know that i don't like it until i've read it, and ten others just like it. if you don't like me making fun of you , don't read it. and don't do a bunch of opium and fill the bandwidth with a bunch of fake inside jokes with your friends. i act like i'm above it, i'm not. i'm way down in it. and when i say i love an argument, i actually hate it.

considering i'm going to be gone for a few days, i'll write a bunch of stuff and all you crazy bastards can just spread it out over the weekend.

i have played that game, and i always lose because i ususally play it with my guy friends and they will give me and inanimate object, the grossest man on earth and a hot chick. i'll always say i'd fuck the hot chick and marry the inanimate object, and they like to hear me talk about the possibility of being a lesbian.

i would marry fat bastard because i am also a food addict, i would throw farrell off a cliff because i think he would think it was funny if i did that and i would screw bob saget because i bet he's a real freak in bed.

now try these!

fabio, lionel from thundercats, conrad bain. GO!

people don't know how to end telephone conversations anympre. why do i have to sit here for ten minutes listening to you say "ok? great! all right then, so, yep thanks, you'll tell him? have a good day!" i'm saying, "no problem no problem. no problem. no problem". but inside i'm saying, "get the fuck off the phone" and "let's end this".
everything sucks.
i just had a sandwich that essentially sucked except for the fact that it tasted good. i asked for hot peppers and they put these peppers on it that weren't even ripe or hot and tasted like celery and sucked.

i haven't been given anything to do today. i'm playing and looking at websites and being bitchy. i think i will get tired of being bitchy soon.

huhuh.

for the past week i've been wearing this corset thing under my clothes so that i can look .05% less pathetic in a tailored shirt than normal. it consists of spandex and long boning that grinds into my abdomen and makes me really appreciate the 80 degree weather. this morning i decided that people can kiss my ass if they have a problem with my jiggle, i am going to be comfortable. i also looked cute enough to go without makeup in my bathroom mirror. i think something happens between the upstairs door of our apartment and my bus stop because i feel like a mountain and look like a drowned rat.

so i tried to tape Ed last night and i asked the vcr to please start taping at 9:58 pm and to finish at--get ready--10:00pm. so very pissed am i. aw, eddie.

there was a lady on the bus who kept making jokes about how the driver was braking. "whoa!" she would say. like the bus was a horse. it was pretty funny. everytime the bus would stop for someone she would make a joke about how the sudden movement was going to make her squash her sandwich. man oh man, i had no idea how many jokes you could make about sandwiches. it really kept the mood on the bus light.

last night we went to el cheapo's to get drunk on $10, which i did. we went because we're leaving for the weekend, and in case we died on the road we could say at least we saw our friends one last time. (although friday and saturday would have counted also. ) but then after we got there dave showed up and informed us that a whole bunch of people were coming out, and i thought, "man, i kick ass, all these people like me!" and the i find out that it's Andre Noell's birthday (i give you his full name so you can understand what a little bitch he is) so a group of toolshacks from canisius show up and talk about girls and don't get any of our jokes and get all offended when we rank on them. i played mega touch for an hour and got my name on all the boards. if you ever play mega touch and the high score is held by "rawk on", don't even think about beating me, just move on to another game.

TOKYO, Japan (AP) -- Japan's best-known monster, Godzilla, is coming to stores soon -- canned.

"Godzilla Meat," actually 3.5 ounces of corned beef from Tokyo toy maker Takara Co., is packaged with pictures of the stomping, fire-breathing, irradiated dinosaur made famous by Toho movies that started coming out in the 1950s.

they're making Rodan chicken, but in the article they called it "radon meat".

so today was about being with my family and then blowing a wad of cash as recovery. my aunt and uncle moved into a huge new house and invited all of their fablulous friends and relatives to taste the magic. there was a pool, basketball court and a manmade waterfall with pond in the backyard, with two ducks thrown in at no extra charge. it was very gorgeous and decadant and not at all a "hoen" place to live. (hoen is my mother's family name, just for fun, guess how that's pronounced, go ahead. if you said "hane" you'd be right. crazy germans.)

something about being with my family gets me all sick inside. my family is cool, we get along. we've had the uglinesses and issues that every other family has had, and have recovered from them. i just can't get my mind around why i hate being with them for more than ten minutes.

went to target and spent a stack of money on shorts and sunglasses and underwear. i needed it anyway. todd's family is taking us on a vacation this weekend. out of nowhere, they just decided to go to some amusement park in PA. alright then, i'm there.

Rob's amazing poem generator did this to my bloggy woggy:



crunchy blog [Home blowing alexis in
common.there i read
stuart little as my audition too last
night i spent
the past few days,
in the theatre since yesterday
morning. i fuck up
for
dave foley. he and his disdain is the
club grandma has four sisters,
she had
cameron rolling stone interview with us none
of your
shit together. . . there i met and crying
and i read on
a child.


I *do* fuck up for dave, don't i?

i'm addicted to posting on the ng again. gyad help me. goodbye normal vocabulary, hello "christ on a bike", "Scott help us" and "feathers everywhere".

good god.

i can't believe the stuff i write here sometimes.
last night i went to toronto (i forgot to tell you!! i beat myself up the whole ride there) i did a show with my own personal chump, jerry and a few guys i kind of knew from around the conservatory (every other day I see a canadian commercial with somebody who looks vaguely familiar, "from the hallway" i assume.) one of them i have never met, and he was a dead ringer for dave foley. not the young dave foley, but a young version of the more recent dave foley. he was ok. i wanted to kiss him.
the show as ok, it felt good to just do open improv and to be taken care of. we didn't get back until 3 am. i hate myself right now.

my body is wrong. i've been made of glass since yesterday morning. i hope it goes away.

the past few days, in retrospect:
pants free friday was pre-empted by my moon flux which was treated with much beer and lying about.
saturday i spent the day fighting, which is the wonderful thing about being in a relationship. you can waste a whole day trying to get one point across. then you go to the mall.
we saw a play called "Mr. Benny". in the play, my small-framed, perpetually bald, leather clad, geeky friend tim BECOMES jack benny for an hour and a half. it was the best play i've seen in years. he was amazing. it was one of those times where you want to walk around going "i know him! we hang out sometimes! hi! "
today we went to todd's family reunion at a bowman's club. todd's grandma has four sisters, and all of them are as stubborn and loud and polish as my grandma and her sisters. (she had six of them, and a brother. i'm catholic, how are you?)
they all stood over us, none of them had anything to say but "do you have a skit to do for us? are you going to do some of your standup comedy for us?" and at one point one of the sisters leaned on me and gave me a rather mafioso "as soon as you get your shit together. . . " there was much humiliation and loss of dignity.
i took off.
i didn't storm off, because that would not have been very cool. they really did get my irish up, but it wasn't my family so it would have sucked to have the day end with me sreaming and crying and running off into the woods. not before dinner, anyway. i went for a nice little walk with todd and his sister and brother, who are cool. the woods reminded me very much of "the girl who loved tom gordon", because last time we were at the bowman's club i was reading that book, and the club was in a very woody, city-girl-gets-lost kind of area. i lead an active fantasy life, so i spent the rest of the evening lost in the book, imagining dave foley as the father, tom cavanagh as tom gordon and myself as the girl's mom, (because there aren't any other parts for a girl over 13, plus there's a nice naughty part between the estranged parents.) tom would make a great tom. i plan on spending the moments between just now and when i fall asleep focusing on a tom-and-dave sandwich with extra serra-meat.
i'm gross.
aaaaaaaaaand scene.

i love the fuddy meers story. mark hamming it up for the ladies. it made me warm in my chest area. :)
mark was very kind the one time i met him. when we got our picture with him he and todd both made the same "big guy scream" face. it's quite amazing. scott was in a hurry, but not at all "short" with us and dave has never looked at me with anything but utter disdain. the man owes me nothing, and even his disdain is kinda sexy.

i saw mexican cession on sunday. i forgot to mention that. i saw a bunch of bands, but they were the only good one.

i haven't seen a movie in the theatre since "the mummy returns".
oh, sad.
i did get to see "almost famous" on dvd, and it had cameron crowe's rolling stone interview with led zepplin as well as many others as a feature. i am not enamoured with kate huson, and i feel a sense of loss about that.

ohgod, i'm such a child. i just answered a call from a man named "dick wit." i can't stop giggling.

no wait, i can. it's not funny.

when i get home i'm blowing alexis in to the spca. it doesn't seem like the kind of personal call you make from work.

i like the people i work with. they are very kind, lighthearted people. it is a real shame we don't have anything in common.
there are many doughnuts and bagels in the office today. it is my job to keep them from going stale. in honor of casual friday i wore jeans. i wore jeans on tuesday, too.
last week adam and i collaborated on a sketch via email and he put it in his show for next week. wahoo. it was very odd and not terribly funny. it will be in manhattan. i will be here.
i didn't fuck up my audition too much last night, and they're doing stuart little i never read stuart little as a kid, but i feel like it might be good. the first book i read on my own was Encyclopedia Brown. after that it was straight to stephen king.