why the hell would i want to do improv for a bunch of fucking middle schoolers anyway?


THAT is the mutherfucking QUESTION!

[deleted post]

oh honey, dear bittersweet, inviting and frightening change. i'm sending you good thoughts. i know it's not the same thing, but i just burned the biggest bridge of my life this afternoon. i quit the improv group that i've been in for four years. i've been working with some of them for over 8. and i went out in a blaze of anger. you can figure out what job-hunting brand-new-job-having tara is all about, (what is she like, how does she carry herself?) and i can figure out if there is an e-co-less serra worth knowing.
don't let the bastards get you down.
i don't tend to worry 'bout the things that other people say
and i'm learning that i wouldn't want it any other way
call me crazy, it really doesn't matter all that matters to me is
she.
i singed us a little song. :)

a new voice.
:)
i can tell you, it's not ever easy for anybody to really get into the mix. i was tragically and painfully shy for a long time, then i stopped being shy for a minute, now i'm shy again. the fact that you're out and among likeminds is a damn good start. the only time i ever felt confident and open, and downright funny, was when i was performing. as soon as i got off stage, the adrenaline made me wacky.
I tend to hang out with outgoing people, so i let them do all the work.
people say if you want to be more confident you should imagine the other guy in his underwear, but this is better by a long shot: picture the other guy's skeleton moving around inside of him. like his complete skeleton. first it'll freak you out, but then it will put you in this weird zen-like state where you realize we're all creatures of the earth. it may not make you more sociable, but it's fun.

"so the girl who played the little girl in archie bunker (and later, "archie's place") was in the new radicals.
it's a fact! ::runs away::
posted by at 00:00 "

nice timing. p cool.
i can't figure out how to get only my first name in there, so it still looks dumb.

i went for a little lame ass run this morning in my pajamas. who the hell is going to see me right? i was only going to be gone for maybe 20 minutes, considering it's about *that* time and i feel like there's a pissed off porcupine in my abdomen.
so these two ladies walking their kids (or someone else's kids, i don't know, i didn't stop to ask) in strollers start laughing at me. i'm wearing purple pajama pants. ha-fucking-ha. wait until i pass you, i'm wearing an x-files shirt. you're going to have to stitch those busted sides when you're done! you might want to rethink those oversized tweety shirts, i might get mixed up and punch out the wrong walking polish stereotype. so i'm chubby, fer christ's sake. it's so damn ironic that people yell from the safety of their cars the most hilarious of comments about how wide my ass might be, and yet here i am out in the world doing something about it.
i give up.

(just kidding, i didn't really give up.)

the sheep seem to shower/from this office tower

i'm going to try to get better at this.

monday we went on a corporate retreat. my entire office went to a hotel at Niagara on the lake, which is a storybook village just across the niagara river on canadian soil. it was absolutely gorgeous. i saw the glory of it, caught my breath, and was shuffled into a conference room with a full bladder to listen to the owner give us the history and future of the company for five of the longest hours of my life. then we ate sandwiches that were fancy because they had bread on the bottom but not the top.
then we changed our clothes and went on a jetboat. i was not prepared for the wall of water that hits you directly in the face on the first turn, and then continues to hit you in the face while a guy named chip (his name might not have been chip, but it should have been) keeps shouting "how about a hand for cap'n vic! that was terrible, you can do better than that!". not counting the time i got drunk with the office manager's wife at the christmas party, it was most fun i've had with my co-workers at this particular office. (of course, any monday morning at the bpo ticket office was more fun than this group of people, space mountain or no space mountain.)

"don't fall on me"- aaagyad- this is my favourite rem song--i am so screwed.


it's over- lisa loeb is on now.

time.
for.
bed.

i have an ever-increasing crush on mike mills from R.E.M. it's just so cozy.

i wrote a monologue the other night and i'm calling it just. it makes me think of a delicate movement, that it means the least you can do, to just. that, and i completely overuse it. it's my own little vagina monlogue, only i never once mention anything that relates even remotely to do with my vagina.
vagina vagina vagina.

so there's this band LFO that did a concert at my old high school, the are playing right now, and they suck. this is the first time i've heard it and i'm sick of it. "i like girls that wear ambercrombie and fitch", what the hell? my cousin was going there at the time and my aunt said they showed up high. it takes a real man to go to a girl's catholic school at noon on a weekday and blaze up a doobie. the girls collected 1 million pennies for charity to win the concert. the entire enrollment for the school at the time made up only the senior class at other participating schools.
yeah, privilege.
why did i tell that story?

here's everything you ever need to know about me. see also: a picture. it was one of my head shots that didn't come out. i only look good blurry, which is why i only get hit on late at night in bars or on the street by winos.

so the girl who played the little girl in archie bunker (and later, "archie's place") was in the new radicals.
it's a fact! ::runs away::

ok, so it's bean forever since i've done this, i doubt anyone even looks at it anymore, but i have an important thing to do, so i'll do it this way:

THANK YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

she went right to camp after sending me the mix tape and i never got to send her the love. it is the only tape i currently listen to, and it makes me truly understand how much i don't know about music. i like a band from bands on the run for scott's sake. well, i have a crush on the lead singer, which i always translate into fanship. their music is ok, he has a great voice, but their lyrics are pretty tenth grade and i'm afraid that's a dealbreaker for little old me.

i've found a way to come to terms with how great music is always destroyed for me as soon as it is put into a commercial. it's called pop for sale. it's a whole station that plays music from commercials. i am getting old, it's a fact of life. i like vh1 better than mtv, even though they think i'm some sort of freak, masterbating to their community messageboards.
(ohgoodgod- van halen's "everybody wants some", i am still the heavy metal fuckbunny i was in the fifth grade.)

it's taking me so long to catch up on blogs. i've never seen the video for "first time" either. todd and i went to see Planet of the Apes over the weekend and the only useful thing that came out of that experience was that we got two free tokens at cyberstation [a video arcade at the mal] . they have a little tv going there, like a closed circiut thingy with a music station, and my point is, they played "pinch me", which I've seen, and the video for "too little too late", which is kinda funny. the guys look like a bunch of fuckin rock stars, which i think is meant to be ironic.
i never watch mtv or vh1 because they never play videos, and when they do it's all stuff i don't like.
we dont have m2 or muchmusic. pwah.

i started Dreamcatcher last night, and i'm picturing you know who as Jonesy with shaggy long brown hair and a goatee.

so, what are we looking at here?
I'm glad i got my copy as a gift.

this is new to me, i like very very much.

i was offered a full time position at a law firm, i was coaxed into printing a resume by words like "cake job" and "full medical" and then realized that the person offering was in no position to do so. 24 hours after i talked to her the position had been filled. i found out while the resume was coming out of my printer. (at work, no less.)
shitty.

i got to talk to toronto steph, which would make anybody feel better.

i kind of enjoy flickerstick, does that make me a bad one?

i used to think because i had Gordon before everyone else that i was a bigger BNL fan, and then Maybe You Should Drive and Born on a Pirate Ship came out, and i said, "well, screw it, now everyone is into them, they don't need my fan-ship anymore." well, that wasn't true, on many levels.
so this morning i was completely humbled by Rock Spectacle, and almost in tears that i never saw them back in the day, back when i could afford a ticket. back when they were playing little houses around here, back when i was still a kid.
grade nine reminds me of being kind of young, a "tween" thay call it now, before i could drive, kickin around town with my brother er whatever, and i couldn't wait to get to college to be into all the cool stuff, like phish and going to football games and seeing indie films at the Amherst (this was before we called them "indie") going to rocky horror (which i've still never done) having my own apartment and driving a car with tons of bumper stickers. i yearned for that life, that hot late night cigarette smoking no money college radio coffee house life. by the time i finally got to college it was all diversity radio and living with mom. i still don't drive, maybe i should.

she's like a baby i'm like a cat/
when we are happy we both get fat and it's/
never enough/
never enough no/
it's never enough/

tonight i was doing a little writing exercise because i've been let's say uninspired, lately. i decided to teach myself to write with my non-dominant left hand for fun, and to see if it's true that a different self emerges. (see- i did see "monkeybone") i started writing and ended up writing a very simple and choppy type of essay about how i don't really see myself as normal, and how i wish i could do the things that regular people did, like exercise and do my laundry on a regular basis, and have the desire to procreate, but when i try to do what other people do it's just so forced, so unnatural.
i kind of thought it was cool that i wrote it with my left hand.

since i posted last, two guys from work have gotten married (not to each other) and one girl had a baby named zoe, whom i have taken to calling "Zoeumlaut". i went to new york, and it was fuckin cool and fuckin hot. a list of what i did seems appropriate:
thursday night:
got in, took a cab to the city with my bro and had a snack, found his wife on the jitney, slept.
friday:
went to the liberty science center. it sucked real bad. all of the exhibits were directed at kids, but not in a fun way. in an inane, i'm not learning anything let's break shit kind of way. went to mcsorley's. [ that is a whole story i will give you later. let's skip ahead] stumbled around some boutique drunk off our asses at 7:30 pm, went to a coffee shop to sober up. went to ucb. saw swarm. a member of which reminded me of a less attractive version of a cross between my boyfriend and dave foley. got my head kicked in by comedy. fell in love. immediately scolded myself, fell back out. went home to sleep.
saturday:
went to meet my cousin and aunt and uncle and a bunch of other people for lunch because his internship ended and they had to help him move back to buffalo. missed lunch because we got up too late, met them at serendipity's for dessert. waited on the steps of a church for an hour for a table because it was to crowded inside, was godblessed, many, many times. went to the museum of natural history. beyond awesome. were supposed to see feature feature, didn't. we ate and looked at books instead.
sunday:
sat around until late, saw wet, hot american summer. loved it loved it loved it. went to a bar, sang karaoke, got a "lucky bamboo" and "angel snot" and something called "vinnie's tampon case". talked acting all night. ran out of money and sobered up too quick.
monday, my birthday:
a blur of walking, eating, walking, subway rides, looking at more books, sweating and walking.
ate lunch at regional thai taste for lunch, had pizza plant for dinner. not bad having your two favorite restaurants in the same day considering they're in different cities.

i actually do like doing this. it's really nice to get your thoughts out. what is my deal lately?

i haven't posted in a dog's age because i have not been in the mood. i am very anti-e lately. (not the pill, the concept.) i am going to new york tonight, so don't you go worrying, you can't ditch me that easy!!

i hate to admit this, i really, really hate to admit- that exercising makes you feel better. like, a lot better. all over. i hate that.
i hate to be that person, who recommends exercise. i mean, gyad.